


HSWC 2014 Bonus Round 5 Fills

by spockandawe



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ancestors, Angst, Artificial Intelligence, Break Up, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Canonical Character Death, Caretaking, Clothing, Comfort, Conversations, Cruelty, Devotion, Dubious Morality, Embarrassment, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Manipulation, Execution, F/F, F/M, Fights, First Meetings, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Gen, Heartache, Helmsman, Injury, Insecurity, Loneliness, M/M, Monty Python, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pesterlog, Prison, Quadrant Confusion, Racism, Revenge, Silly, Spanish Inquisition, Teasing, Tight Pants
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-17
Updated: 2014-07-20
Packaged: 2018-02-09 05:00:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 10,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1969905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spockandawe/pseuds/spockandawe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All my written fills for the fifth bonus round of the 2014 HSWC. Some of these go into potentially upsetting topics, but relevant warnings for each of the stories are listed in the notes at the beginning of each chapter.</p><p>These prompts took the form of quotes, both real and fake, attributed to real people, fictional sources, or song lyrics.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kanaya/Vriska: "There's A Fine Line Between Love And Hurting, And Knowing To Walk Away" -Idina Menzel

arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]  
  
AG: Hey!  
AG: You left a message saying you should be online today, right?  
AG: Kanaya?  
AG: Are you there?  
AG: Oh my god, are you seriously still ignoring me????????  
AG: I know you're 8ad at technology, 8ut this is seriously some unrealistic incompetence.  
AG: We 8oth know you know how to work your husktop.  
AG: 8ecause you totally promised that we'd quest together sometime during this stupid game.  
AG: We set this up 8efore things even STARTED.  
AG: Never even mind how long it took me to get ahold of you, just for you to say you'd 8e online today.  
AG: You'd 8een saying for aaaaaaaages that you wanted to work together for this.  
AG: And then what happens once we start playing?  
AG: Nothing!!!!!!!!  
AG: You made me that dress, which was awesome and all, and I'll 8et it took a lot of work.  
AG: 8ut I 8asically haven't heard from you since!  
AG: You don't want to help each other out with a game that we 8oth have to play anyways?  
AG: One that could go much faster if we helped each other out????????  
AG: Instead I'm stuck adventuring with a l8me loser like Tavros.  
AG: What happened to 8eing miss fussyfangs?  
AG: For all you know, I'm 8eing even meaner to him than he's ask8ng for!  
AG: I was making him clim8 stairs 8efore he even did anything to screw up, and now I've been stuck with him for 8GES.  
AG: He's 8een such an idiot th8t he'd deserve it too!  
AG: You threatened to dump the load gaper over my head when I'd hardly even done anything.  
AG: Aren't you t8tally worried a8out what I could've done s8nce then?  
AG: Guess wh8t, if you were adventuring with me, you could keep an eye on me in person! :::;)  
AG: Wh8t did I even do to you, huh????????  
AG: Remem8er how I used to h8ve to 8eg you to leave me alone for a s8ngle night?  
AG: 8nd now I’m stuck send8ng you messages th8t I know you’re just going to ign8re and 8asically just looking like a c8mplete idiot?  
AG: I’d w8nder if you were dead, except you talk to everyone else!  
AG: Even T8VROS!  
AG: Wh8t, you’d rather t8lk to him instead of me?????????  
AG: You don’t even w8nt to 8other t8 just tell me to go away, you’re just going t8 pretend I don’t exist until I stop 8ugging you?  
AG: Or 8re you j8st h8ving fun seeing h8w much I’ll humili8 myself 8efore I give up alt8gether?  
AG: Well, f8ne!  
AG: Y8u can go off 8nd do wh8tever k8nd of l8me adventures you h8ve to deal with.  
AG: I d8n’t need you g8ing on my quests w8th me!  
AG: I’m pro8a8ly h8ving more fun th8n I’d h8ve with you anyw8ys, even w8th a l8ser like T8vros!!!!!!!!  
AG: D8n’t 8other to mess8ge me, 8ecause I d8n’t care a8out hear8ng fr8m you 8nyways!!!!!!!!  
  
arachnidsGrip [AG] has blocked grimAuxiliatrix [GA]


	2. Eridan/Karkat: "Life Will Break You. Nobody Can Protect You From That, And Living Alone Won't Either, For Solitude Will Also Break You With Its Yearning" -Louse Erdrich

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
  
CA: kar  
CA: kar are you there  
CA: i miss her  
CG: YEAH, THAT DEFINITELY MAKES SENSE. IT’S ONLY BEEN WHAT, A COUPLE OF WEEKS?  
CG: I’M PRETTY SURE IT TAKES LONGER THAN THAT TO GET OVER A RELATIONSHIP THAT LASTED FOR A FEW SWEEPS.  
CA: yeah but  
CA: like i wwasnt pale for her i shouldnt feel so fuckin torn up ovver her breakin up our moirallegiance  
CA: its all hittin me a lot harder than it should be  
CA: an it isnt helpin that im stuck on this fuckin shithole of a planet  
CA: are you sure you cant come quest wwith me  
CA: just for a bit  
CG: I’M SORRY MAN, BUT IT’S WAY TOO BUSY WITH KANAYA AND ALL THESE GODDAMN FROGS FOR ME TO MAKE IT OVER THERE RIGHT NOW.  
CG: I SWEAR, THIS IS LIKE ONE OF THE TWELVE PLAGUES OF ALTERNIA OVER HERE.  
CA: are you sure  
CG: SORRY.  
CG: I WOULD IF I COULD, BUT THINGS WERE HECTIC EVEN BEFORE THIS FROG BULLSHIT STARTED, AND I DON’T KNOW IF I’LL GET A CHANCE TO GET ALL THE WAY OVER TO YOU.  
CG: WHY DON’T YOU COME HELP WITH THE FROGS?  
CA: no  
CA: ill just keep questin on my own  
CG: AND WILL YOU KEEP ON PRACTICING YOUR IMPRESSION OF SOMEONE WHO ISN’T SLOWLY GOING CRAZY FROM SHEER LONELINESS?  
CA: shut the fuck up its not like that  
CA: look  
CA: kan an fef were alwways good friends  
CA: shes gotta know all the shit that went dowwn  
CA: howw am i supposed to just hang out wwith kan like nothin ever happened  
CA: ill just stay on my fuckin planet an be judged from a distance instead a from up close  
CG: LOOK, HANGING WITH ME AND KANAYA IS PROBABLY THE LOWEST-STRESS ENVIRONMENT YOU COULD POSSIBLY ASK FOR.  
CG: WHAT KIND OF PERSON DO YOU EVEN THINK SHE IS?  
CA: no like  
CA: i knoww shes not gonna be awwful or anythin  
CA: but its easier to just stay here an not deal wwith the social pressure at all  
CA: maybe wwhen you get a chance you could come vvisit  
CG: I WISH I COULD, I REALLY DO.  
CG: BUT THE FURTHER WE GET TO BEATING THIS GAME, THE MORE I’VE GOT ON MY NUTRITION PLATEAU.  
CG: I’M NOT SURE I’LL HAVE THE TIME TO COME SEE YOUR PLANET BEFORE WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE BLACK KING.  
CG: CAN’T YOU GET ONE OF THE OTHERS TO COME VISIT?  
CG: I’M SURE YOU DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH VRISKA OR FEFERI, BUT I BET GAMZEE WOULD COME SEE YOU IF YOU CAN GET HIM TO PAY ATTENTION TO HIS FUCKING HUSKTOP LONG ENOUGH TO HOLD A FULL CONVERSATION.  
CG: OR TEREZI, MAYBE? I’M NOT SURE WHAT HER QUEST EVEN ENTAILS, BUT IT’S TAKING HER ALL OVER THE GODDAMN PLACE, SO I BET SHE’D BE ABLE TO SWING BY.  
CA: no  
CA: its fine  
CG: EXCEPT IT’S CLEARLY NOT?  
CG: I’M NOT SURE WHO YOU THINK YOU’RE FOOLING.  
CA: yeah but see  
CA: everyone was fefs friend more than they were mine  
CG: THAT DOESN’T MEAN NOBODY WAS YOUR FRIEND AT ALL, ASSHOLE.  
CG: NOT EVERYONE IS AS DISTURBINGLY FRIENDLY AS FEFERI PEIXES.  
CA: it doesnt matter  
CA: ill just stay here  
CA: the games gonna be ovver in a few more wweeks anywways right  
CA: ill just deal until then  
CA: yeah  
CA: just  
CA: you knoww  
CA: keep me in mind if youvve evver got the free time i guess  
CG: ERIDAN, YOU CAN SEND ME MESSAGES WHENEVER YOU WANT, OKAY?  
CG: EVEN IF I’M TOO BUSY TO VISIT, I CAN STILL KEEP IN TOUCH.  
CG: AND I WANT TO VISIT IF I CAN. I’LL DO MY BEST, I JUST DON’T SEE HOW I’M GOING TO FINISH EVERYTHING THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE AS IT IS.  
CG: MESSAGE ME SOON, OKAY?  
CG: ERIDAN?  
  
caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]


	3. Aradia♠Vriska: "I Came Here To Have A Good Time And I'm Honestly Feeling So Attacked Right Now" -Tumblr User Chardonnaymami

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for mention of serious injury in this story

apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]  
  
AA: hello vriska  
AG: Geeeeeeeez, more of this 8ullsh8t.  
AG: Let me guess, here to give me m8re crap a8out playing a game the way it was always meant to 8e played?  
AA: you went too far  
AA: i dont think tavros will ever walk again  
AG: Oh my god, wh8tever.  
AG: Did you miss that it’s called FLARP?  
AG: F?  
AG: Fatal???????  
AG: Your loser teamm8 is alive, and he’s appar8ntly doing well enough to wh8ne about losing a g8me.  
AA: he is not  
AA: i didnt NEED him to tell me that you went too far  
AG: Yeah, wh8teeeeeeeever.  
AG: Just buy him s8me new legs or someth8ng.  
AG: Or can you not aff8rd th8t so far down the hem8caste?  
AG: Sucks to 8e him, I guess.  
AA: nobody thinks your actions were appropriate  
AA: did you realize that?  
AA: literally nobody but you  
AA: if you were at all self-aware i think you would be ashamed  
AG: UGHHHHHHHH!  
AG: Whine whine wh8ne!  
AG: If you guys weren’t a8le t8 play the g8me right, you shouldn’t h8ve played 8t all!  
AA: terezi sent us a wonderful message  
AA: she apologized for your actions  
AG: Are you ser8ous?  
AG: 8re you 8ctu8lly s8rious?????????  
AA: she offered to hire grocery drones for us while tavros recovers  
AA: i believe she also intends to purchase him a four wheel device  
AG: Wh8t the hell!  
AG: Th8s is n8ne of her 8usiness!!!!!!!!  
AA: she wishes to apologize for failing to keep her teammate in check  
AA: tavros and i appreciate the sentiment  
AA: it is rather remarkable when even terezi pyrope is willing to admit youve gone too far  
AA: while youre still frantically trying to defend your actions  
AG: No8ody keeps me 8n check!  
AG: I d8d th8t to T8vros 8ecause he deserved 8t!  
AG: Th8t’s what h8ppens to l8sers who try to play g8mes when they’re not good en8ugh to keep up.  
AG: 8f I was 8eing mean a8out it, I c8uld h8ve fed him to my m8m!  
AG: I h8d to run an8ther camp8ign r8ght aw8y to get her m8re food, but does 8nyone bring th8t part up?  
AG: No!!!!!!!!  
AA: dont strain yourself  
AA: i wasnt ever really expecting you to apologize  
AG: G8d, seriously?  
AG: Then wh8t the h8ll w8s the even the p8int of th8s convers8ion????????  
AA: just a warning  
AA: that youll regret this  
AG: Wh8t, is th8t supp8sed to 8e a thre8t?  
AG: Oh, w8, it’s n8t a threat, ‘‘‘it’s a pr8mise!’’’  
AA: no  
AA: just a warning  
AA: i expect well be seeing each other soon  
AA: goodbye  
  
apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]


	4. Nepeta♦Equius: "She Gave Him The Wide, Green-Eyed Expression That She Would Have Described As I Will Slap You So Far Into Next Week That It Will Take A Team Of Surgeons Just To Get Wednesday Out Of Your Ass" -Christopher Moore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for casual hemocasteism in this story

arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT]  
  
AC: :33 < so  
AC: :33 < *curls up in her meowrails lap*  
AC: :33 < do you pawssibly feel like talking about those things you said in that last memo??  
CT: D --> Which memo  
AC: :33 < …  
AC: :33 < the one where you said some fairly unpleasant things to tafurros  
CT: D --> Well I  
AC: :33 < and sollux and aradia  
CT: D --> I did not realize you had been present  
AC: :33 < nope!!  
AC: :33 < i wasnt  
AC: :33 < thats why im telling you to tell me about it  
CT: D --> Yes, but  
CT: D --> It appears you have already received an account of what happened  
CT: D --> This is hardly necessary  
AC: :33 < nope  
AC: :33 < just tell me about what you said to our friends!!  
CT: D --> It was nothing of importance  
CT: D --> There was merely a dispute as to the import of the hemocaste on our discussions  
AC: :33 < oh??  
AC: :33 < *acs ears perk up in an interested manner*  
CT: D --> Yes  
CT: D --> I attempted to assert that for trolls to forget their place was unforgivable, even in such a casual setting  
CT: D --> And several lowbloods disagreed with me  
CT: D --> Vehemently  
AC: :33 < *nods encouragingly*  
AC: :33 < then what happened?  
CT: D --> Well  
CT: D --> I merely attempted to explain to them why their proper societal position was subservient to mine  
CT: D --> As well as to those others of us with c001er b100d  
AC: :OO < i bet there was some name calling!!  
CT: D --> Yes  
CT: D --> Certain STRONGLY worded insults were used  
CT: D --> But nothing of language appropriate for such a venue as this  
CT: D --> Captor in particular spoke at some length  
AC: :33 < how did that go?  
CT: D --> I simply made an effort to bring them to understand the importance of the hemocaste  
AC: :33 < mmhmm  
AC: :33 < and called them dirtbloods?  
CT: D --> What  
CT: D --> Where did you hear that  
AC: :33 < isnt it true?  
CT: D --> I  
CT: D --> Well  
CT: D --> Yes, technically  
AC: :33 < and i think you talked to aradia about how she was basically trash and she should be grateful you were even speaking to her  
CT: D --> Of course  
CT: D --> She is at the bottom of the spectrum after all  
AC: :33 < hmm  
AC: :33 < *ac licks a paw and carefully grooms her whiskers*  
AC: :33 < you do realize that olive is barely cooler than yellow, right??  
CT: D --> Well  
CT: D --> It is cooler, yes  
CT: D --> And that is the important part  
AC: :33 < hmmmmm  
AC: :33 < but you treat kanaya worse then me  
AC: :33 < i dont get it!  
AC: :33 < why dont you explain that  
CT: D --> Certainly  
CT: D --> You are my moirail  
AC: :33 < mmhmm  
CT: D --> And she is below me on the spectrum  
AC: :33 < and youre expecting me to be okay with knowing that youd treat me the same way if you hadnt decided quadrants mattered more than blood  
CT: D --> Yes  
CT: D --> I mean  
CT: D --> But  
CT: D --> Your b100d may limit you  
CT: D --> But your other qualities are of value, of course  
CT: D --> You understand  
AC: :33 < and because of that you think i should be okay with how you treat our friends  
AC: :33 < it should be fine to treat them badly and because its fine with you it should be fine with me too  
AC: :?? < do i have that right??  
CT: D --> That is put rather crudely  
CT: D --> But it is effectively accurate  
AC: :33 < hell no  
CT: D --> Language  
AC: :33 < yeah i dont really care right now!!  
AC: :33 < i am purrfectly unconcerned with what you think  
AC: :33 < and ill use all the foul language I fucking want to  
CT: D --> Nepeta  
CT: D --> You will stop  
AC: >:(( < what you basically just said up there is that youd treat me like trash if i wasnt in a quadrant with you  
AC: >:(( < with it strongly implied that my blood DOES affect how you treat me even though im your moirail  
AC: >:(( < yeah no  
CT: D --> I fail to understand the problem  
CT: D --> The hemocaste  
AC: >:(( < okay then when i come over you can explain why youre fine with being quadranted to someone so far beneath you  
AC: >:(( < dont worry youll have a few hours to think that one through while i make the trip  
CT: D --> But  
AC: >:(( < nope!  
AC: >:(( < your assignment is to reread that memo and purrtend that youre talking to me instead of one of our other friends  
CT: D --> I would never presume to address you in such a way  
AC: >:(( < thats a start  
AC: >:(( < im still packing my sylladex  
AC: >:(( < when i get there you and i are going to have SUCH A TALK  
CT: D --> Are you upset  
AC: >:(( < WHAT DO YOU THINK??  
AC: >:(( < youve got a few hours  
AC: >:(( < brace yourself  
arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling centaursTesticle [CT]


	5. Roxy/Cronus: "LEAVE ME ALONE! I Want To Be Alone! I Want To Wallow In... Whatever It Is That Ponies Are Supposed To Wallow In. I Don't Even Know What I'm Supposed To Wallow In! I'M SO PATHETIC!" -Rarity

tipsyGnostic [TG] began trolling consideredAttraction [CA]  
  
TG: yo babe  
TG: how u doin???  
TG: you peeled outta that party so fast u lfet tire tracks  
CA: yeah so?  
CA: i can peel outta whatever parties i vwant an nobody can do a thing to stop me  
TG: awwww hon what happnend?  
CA: no just piss off  
TG: baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaeb  
TG: u can tell me shit  
TG: im not gonna spread it aruond or nothin  
CA: nobody said you vwere gonna spread it  
CA: i dont vwanna talk about it  
TG: for reals?  
TG: or not for reals?  
TG: becuause u hella hate bein left alone  
TG: so im not really gonna credit it jstu like that  
CA: just go avway  
CA: it doesnt evwen matter  
TG: crooooooooooooonuuuuuuuusssssss  
CA: no lay off  
CA: nobody vwants to hear about my problems  
TG: except i totes do?  
TG: gotta be level w/ me here because im still a lil bit buzzed  
TG: do u want to actually be all alone to stwe in wahtevers eating at yuo  
TG: do u want reassurances that yeah i do wanna hear about whtas botherin you  
TG: or do u want distractions  
TG: i can do any of those thigns but u gotta be straightforward b/c i cant parse hidden meanigngs right now  
CA: yeah rox thats svweet  
CA: but it doesnt matter  
CA: i ruined evwerythin forevwer  
CA: thats what happened  
TG: im just gonna be upfrnont an say that seems liek a bit much!!!  
TG: thats a lotta ruining for just one dude and oen party  
CA: no because  
CA: okay so meenahs basically been flirtin vwith me since forevwer  
CA: she definitely vwants me pitch  
CA: an i vwas all ready to be ovwer that as soon as she made a movwe  
TG: ohhhhh the new kismesis, yeahh? :((((((((  
CA: yeah  
CA: like  
CA: i was so fuckin sure  
CA: you knowv??  
CA: an its not like i vwas subtle or any of that shit  
CA: because i vwas so sure i had her in the bag already  
CA: an nowv i look like the biggest idiot this side of the univwerse  
TG: awwwwwwwww hon  
TG: its not that bad!!!  
CA: yeah you can stop patronizin me  
CA: just vwatch im just gonna livwe in my room for the rest of forevwer  
CA: someone can bring me food an i can havwe the pleasure of nevwer vwenturin into the public eye evwer again  
TG: never ever again????  
CA: no  
CA: vwhats evwen the fuckin point  
TG: croooonus  
TG: its nto that bad i swear!!!  
CA: you can say vwhatevwer you vwant  
CA: but i already knowv that evweryones talkin about how i fuckin humiliated myself  
TG: nooooooooooooo  
TG: i havnent heard a single persno talking about that!  
CA: i dont care  
CA: goodbye forevwer  
CA: heres hopin i dont starvwe to death because im nevwer emergin again  
TG: baaaaaaaaaaaaabe  
TG: heres a thning  
TG: howsabout we turn this into a mini campout??  
TG: just you an me, all hella private  
CA: stop tryin to play lusus  
TG: nah, man, thisll be super fun for both of us, not jsut me  
TG: only the two ofus so you don't hafta stress about what peeps are sayin  
TG: we can have pillow fgihts  
TG: you can just focus on decompressign from the bad news  
TG: i can venture forth for food so we dont die of stravation!  
TG: it is win/win/wni/win  
CA: evweryones gonna knowv youre doin it just to cater to me  
TG: nah i can totes swing this  
TG: ill start talkin about how bad ive been wantgin to try a traditional Human Sleepover  
TG: (omg wantgin im not even gonna correct that one)  
TG: soon ill start demandign to know where my boyfriend went  
TG: and ill finish off w/ a dramatic anncouncement about going to find him to bully him into sleepover time  
TG: i will be a social ninja  
CA: nobodys gonna knowv its for me  
TG: nope!!!!  
TG: im good at being a demandign lil shit  
CA: and it can last until i feel better  
TG: if this went on for a month we might have a problem  
TG: but my schedule is hella open!  
CA: ... i guess  
CA: if its not too much trouble  
CA: its fine i suppose  
CA: thanks  
TG: awesoem!!!!!  
TG: lemme just lay the groundwork  
TG: social ninja, hells yes  
TG: i should be down to find you in an hour  
TG: see you soon, babe!  
  
tipsyGnostic [TG] ceased trolling consideredAttraction [CA]


	6. Redglare♠Mindfang: "The Moral High Ground Is Wreathed In Fog" -Arthur Miller

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for talk of death in this story

         She sneers and spits when you walk into her cell. "I'm not sure what you plan to accomplish by _executing_ your kismesis. Kind of bad at relationships, aren't you?"  
  
         You only sigh, and begin leafing through the sheaf of papers in your hand.  
  
          "Why don't you tell me what you're getting out of this! Ha, I bet you'll be stroking your bulge to this for _weeks._ Ooh, what a perfect rivalry, the way I took her prisoner and handed her over to die!"  
  
         "We're not kismeses."  
  
          She glares at you. "Like fuck we're not."  
  
         "We were never kismeses. I was assigned to bring you in, and I did. That's all."  
  
         "Oh, I must have misunderstood you, then! It's pretty ambiguous when someone says 'I'm so pitch for you.' That is pretty ambiguous!! Unless-" She recoils theatrically. "Unless the notoriously honest Redglare was... _lying??_ "  
  
         Finally, _finally,_ you find the document you need and pull it free of the stack. As much as you love the law, this assignment would have been much easier without being told to bring her in to a public trial. "A moment of poor judgment, perhaps. A thing of the past. As of the present, I am here to formally call you to trial and make you aware of the charges you'll be facing tomorrow."  
  
         She rolls her eyes so hard her entire body moves with it. "Oh, _well_ then. Tell me, what on earth could I possibly have done!! I don't have a solitary clue. Say, is it as bad as using a dragon to sink a fleet of dozens of ships, with full crew aboard?"  
  
         "Criminals. They faced the proper punishment for their crimes. As will you."  
  
         "Yeah, about that." She's smirking at you in that way you absolutely _loathe._ "Funny thing. Sure, we got plenty of out of raiding and robbery, but why don't you guess how much of our money came from _ransoms?_ Hmm? I don't even know how many innocent prisoners you killed with that stunt, but wow! Just imagine how many of them were living in hope that their beloved quadrantmates were about to save them!"  
  
         You only freeze for a moment, but you know she spots it by the way she throws her head back and laughs. "Oh my god, that's _hilarious._ And you had no idea, did you? Oh look, here's an agent of the law, come to save us from these dread gamblignants! Huh, I wonder what that dragon's doing-"  
  
         "Your trial is tomorrow. You should read through these documents before then, though it really doesn't matter if you don't."  
  
          She's still laughing when you turn and slam the door behind you. "Ahaha, yeah, whatever. Tomorrow, fine, who even cares. I'm sure it won't matter at _all,_ Latula."


	7. GHB & Dualscar: "I Wasn't Expecting The Spanish Inquisition!" "Nobody Expects The Spanish Inquisition!" -Monty Python's Flying Circus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for mentions of blood, death, genocide, etc.

orphanerDualscar [ODS] began trolling marquiseSpinneretMindfang [MSM]  
  
ODS: theres some serious fuckin trouble dowvn on your flagship  
MSM: I swear, I can't even leave this crew f8r one sec8nd.  
MSM: What k8nd of trou8le?  
ODS: the rudders vwell fucked up with the rigging  
MSM: W8, what?  
ODS: the rudders vwell fucked up with the rigging  
MSM: Come again?  
ODS: THE RUDDERS VWELL FUCKED UP WTH THE RIGGING  
MSM: Wh8t the f8ck does that even mean????????  
ODS: fuckin hell i didn't expect a fuckin church inquisition  
GHB: NOBODY EXPECTS THE MOTHERFUCKING CHURCH INQUISITION  
GHB: OUR CHIEF WEAPON IS SURPRISE  
GHB: SURPRISE AND FEAR  
GHB: FEAR AND SURPRISE  
GHB: TWO  
GHB: OUR TWO WEAPONS ARE FEAR AND SURPRISE  
GHB: AND HILARIOUS ACTS OF GENOCIDE  
GHB: OUR THREE WEAPONS ARE FEAR, SURPRISE, HILARIOUS ACTS OF GENOCIDE  
GHB: AND OUR MOST RIGHTEOUS DEVOTION TO THE HOLY MOTHERFUCKING MESSIAHS  
GHB: OUR FOUR  
GHB: NO  
GHB: AMONGST OUR WEAPONS  
GHB: AMONGST OUR WEAPONRY  
GHB: ARE  
GHB: SUCH ELEMENTS AS FEAR AND SURPRISE  
GHB: let me try this again  
GHB: START OVER  
ODS: uh  
ODS: i didnt  
ODS: expect a fuckin church inquisition  
GHB: NOBODY EXPECTS THE MOTHERFUCKING CHURCH INQUISITION  
GHB: AMONGST OUR DIVERSE WEAPONRY ARE SUCH DIVERSE ELEMENTS AS FEAR, SURPRISE, HILARIOUS ACTS OF GENOCIDE, OUR MOST RIGHTEOUS DEVOTION TO THE HOLY MOTHERFUCKING MESSIAHS, AND PAINTING WITH THE BLOOD OF HERETICS  
GHB: motherFUCK  
GHB: YOU  
GHB: IN THE BLUE  
GHB: YOU SAY IT  
MSM: Wh8t.  
GHB: YOU SAY THE THING  
GHB: ABOUT OUR CHIEF WEAPONS  
MSM: I'm n8t even p8rt of your stupid f8cking r8ligion  
GHB: AND YOU  
GHB: START IT AGAIN  
ODS: is that me  
ODS: or her  
ODS: hello  
ODS: is that me  
ODS: ugh  
ODS: i didnt fuckin expect a fuckin church fucking inquisition  
GHB: NOW YOU  
GHB: GO AHEAD  
MSM: S8riously?  
MSM: Ughhhhhhhh, no8ody something.  
GHB: EXPECTS  
MSM: No8ody expects the th8ng.  
GHB: MOST HOLY MOTHERFUCKING CHURCH INQUISITION  
MSM: No8ody expects the church inquisiti8n, or wh8tever.  
MSM: Th8s is really g8ddamn stup8d.  
GHB: NEXT DO THE CHIEF WEAPONS  
MSM: Fuck th8t.  
GHB: DO THE CHIEF MOTHERFUCKING WEAPONS OF THE MOST RIGHTEOUS HOLY CHURCH  
MSM: Our chi8f weap8ns are all list8d a8ove  
GHB: NO  
MSM: Our f8cking chi8f weap8ns are.  
MSM: S8meth8ng.  
GHB: SURPRISE  
MSM: Yeah, wh8t he said.  
MSM: Surpr8se, fear, hil8rious 8cts of g8nocide  
GHB: STOP  
GHB: THAT IS MORE THAN MOTHERFUCKING SUFFICIENT  
GHB: OUR CHIEF WEAPONS ARE MANY AND MIRTHFUL, AS SEEN ABOVE  
MSM: H8ly shit, th8t's wh8t I just SAID.  
GHB: YOU WILL NOW BE READ YOUR CHARGES  
GHB: YOU ARE MOTHERFUCKING CHARGED WITH ACTS OF MOST HEINOUS HERESY AGAINST THE HOLY CHURCH  
GHB: HOW DO YOU PLEAD?  
ODS: vwe're  
ODS: innocent?  
GHB: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
GHB: WE'LL SOON CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT THAT


	8. Redglare & Terezi: "Sometimes When I Look At You, I Feel I'm Gazing At A Distant Star. It's Dazzling, But The Light Is From Tens Of Thousands Of Years Ago..." -Haruki Murakami

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I'm gazing at a distant star.  
> It's dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago.  
> Maybe the star doesn't even exist any more. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything.”  
> ― Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

         Your ancestor puzzles you. The concept of ancestors puzzles you! Given how slurry is collected and given to the mother grubs, it seems exceedingly unlikely that any given troll could expect to have a near-identical genetic originator, never mind that they could _find_ them. It seems impossible even with yours standing right here in front of you. She _is_ your ancestor, you know that. It's not just the clothing, but ha, yes, your FLARP outfit has never felt more like a cheap imitation of something great. It's the way she stands, the way she watches you, the way you can practically smell the gears in her pan turning. You are simultaneously intrigued and terrified! Half of your pan is screaming at you that this is an _adult,_ you need to run, and the other half is telling you that even if you ran, you'd never get away unless she decided to let you. You ignore both voices, and keep taking long, slow breaths, just watching her.  
  
         Given what not-your-Feferi did to the dreambubbles, you don't think you can rightfully dismiss anything you see here as simple falsehood. Hmm. But there are also an infinite number of doomed timelines coexisting along with the main timeline. There is nothing to say that this is _your_ Redglare, or even necessarily the _right_ Redglare. Would it be worse to risk shattering your own illusions? Or is it worthwhile to satisfy your curiosity if you can dismiss any unpleasant truths with the possible lie that this is the _wrong_ version of your ancestor? You laugh to yourself, because that isn't even a question. Deliberately perpetuating a falsehood would be unforgiveable. You aren't a wiggler anymore. She isn't saying anything, only waiting for you to make the first move.  
  
         Still, there is a third option. You can take the time to brace yourself to face her properly. You can take the time to think of what you want to say and ask her. Of course you'd never seriously thought about it before! It's one thing to be a wiggler imagining conversations with a legendary legislacerator who may or may not have been your actual ancestor. It's entirely different to come face to face with a person you'd never believed you might someday meet. There's no dishonor in retreating and refortifying your position! You dare to give her a little half-bow and grin up at her. "I think I shall have to put off this conversation! If you might allow me a night or two to come to terms with your existence, why don't you find me the next time I fall asleep, and then we can have our dramatic first meeting?"  
  
         She laughs and smiles back, grinning from ear to ear. In that outfit, with those glasses, it's almost like seeing yourself a few sweeps down the road. "Totally understandable, girl! I'll keep a lookout, and when you're set, we can talk to each other for the first time ever, yeah?"  
  
         You twist your pan in that way that wrenches you awake, and her laugh is still echoing in your head as you wake up in your pile back on the meteor.


	9. The Signless/The Psiioniic: "I Would Die For You, I Would Kill For You, I Will Steal For You, I'd Do Time For You..." -#1 Crush by Garbage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I would die for you  
> I would kill for you  
> I will steal for you  
> I'd do time for you  
> I would wait for you  
> I'd make room for you  
> I'd sail ships for you  
> To be close to you  
> To be a part of you  
> 'Cause I believe in you  
> I believe in you  
> I would die for you" - #1 Crush by Garbage
> 
> Warning for mention of slavery, blood, and death in this chapter

          He doesn't understand what he _means._ To. To not only you. To everyone. To _everything._ When he came preaching to where you were kept, the others ignored him at best. Some people laughed, or threw stones. You heard what he was saying, and. It wasn't easy to remember how to be a troll anymore. But what he was preaching was _important,_ and nobody was _listening._ It took some time to remember how to break your chains and be alive again, but the place burned behind you as you left to follow him (worth it so worth it you can't disobey your masters but they _aren't_ your masters why wouldn't the others listen).  
  
          Now that you're almost always a troll, you realize that they had no idea what to do with you at first. Porrim was sympathetic, but she wanted to leave you somewhere... _safe._ Meulin just wanted to leave you behind. The three of you laugh about it now, but at the time, they meant it. He was the only one who understood when you came chasing after them, half-supported by your psi, and nearly delirious from exhaustion. He let you babble about blood and sermons and put your arm over his shoulder to help you along (and held it there when you couldn't remember how arms worked). He called you Mituna, and you'd forgotten that was your name, it had been so long.  
  
          You're nearly an actual person again, and you adore him more than ever. The first time you tried making a joke, he laughed out loud (even though it was horrible you aren't funny what were you even doing) and called Meulin and Porrim over to have you repeat it. He had an arm around your waist, and bodies... still aren't your favorite, but when it's him, you think it's okay. He preaches so often, everywhere you go, and you've seen how he's covered with faint scars (you remember they threw rocks but now you've seen much worse). When you're with him now, he _doesn't_ get hurt. You weren't sure if you could kill a troll until it happened, but. All you needed was the right motivation (fear). He sighed afterwards and said he wished that you hadn't had to do that, but he didn't tell you _not_ to, and he held your hand as the four of you walked away.


	10. Jade/John: "We Might Be Dead. Do You Think Death Could Possibly Be A Boat?" -Rosencrantz And Guildenstern Are Dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Rosencrantz: We might as well be dead. Do you think death could possibly be a boat?  
> Guildenstern: No, no, no... Death is...not. Death isn't. You take my meaning. Death is the ultimate negative. Not-being. You can't not-be on a boat.  
> Rosencrantz: I've frequently not been on boats.  
> Guildenstern: No, no, no--what you've been is not on boats.”  
> ― Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]  
  
EB: hey.  
EB: jade?  
EB: jaaade?  
GG: whats up??  
EB: are we dead?  
GG: umm no i dont think so  
GG: were kind of alive just being here dont you think  
GG: why?  
EB: because if you think about it, are we technically alive just being here?  
EB: we're not exactly in the universe anymore.  
GG: yeah but were going to the new universe  
EB: but since we arent really anywhere is what im saying.  
EB: you said just being here.  
EB: where is here?  
EB: we can't really define it.  
GG: well  
GG: yeah but  
GG: okay so we never DIED  
EB: but doesn't not existing kind of negate that?  
GG: no but dying is the state of not being alive  
GG: were alive  
GG: youre breathing and your heart is beating and all that stuff right  
GG: were not not-alive  
EB: okay, but if that's how you want to define it, there's been lots of time we weren't alive.  
EB: i mean if you want to take it that direction most of forever involved us being not-alive.  
GG: no  
GG: thats different!!  
GG: i mean duh not everyone was always alive forever  
GG: but like  
GG: grandpa wasnt a thing for a long time  
GG: then he was born  
GG: and then he died!  
GG: bam thats how you stop being alive  
EB: well.  
EB: if you want to get really picky.  
EB: none of us were actually born.  
EB: i created all of us with freaky alien technology.  
EB: were all paradox clones of each other, plus nanna, your grandpa, dave's bro, and rose's mom.  
EB: so none of us ever really stopped existing.  
EB: we just all come around into a big paradox time loop.  
GG: but were all PEOPLE  
GG: people die all the time  
GG: half of those people you just listed died!  
EB: so did we, technically.  
EB: and nanna died, but she's not really dead now, if you're going to call us not-dead.  
EB: and we both literally DID die or we wouldn't be god tier.  
GG: that doesnt count!!  
GG: thats a game mechanic so that death isnt permanent  
GG: which means we were dead and now were NOT dead  
EB: but are we really sure of that?  
EB: because we're confined to a very limited, mysterious plane of existence.  
EB: floating around with wacky, mysterious powers.  
EB: and you and i and nanna and jaspers all definitely died at various points.  
GG: okay no were not going there  
GG: also davesprite never died!  
GG: so ha!!!  
GG: and neither did all the consorts  
EB: if you say so i guess.  
EB: but all those things still fall under freaky game mechanics.  
EB: what if it's all a lie to keep us compliant?  
EB: what if we're all actually in the matrix?  
GG: well as it happens i am sitting RIGHT HERE with davesprite and he says we are NOT dead  
GG: probably  
GG: DAMMIT  
GG: okay thats it i give up the two of you can argue this together  
GG: im gone  
GG: poof  
GG: teleporting to a secret location in five seconds  
GG: have fun talking to each other about how the big twist is that weve been dead the whole time  
  
gardenGnostic [GG] has blocked ectoBiologist [EB]


	11. Auto-Responder & Dirk: "Liked By No One. A Bitter, Unlikeable Loner Whose Passing Shall Not Be Mourned. 'Shall Not Be Mourned.' That's Exactly What It Says. Very Formal. Very Official." -GLaDOS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'd just like to point out that you were given every opportunity to succeed. There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend, the Companion Cube. Of course, he couldn't come, because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn't come either, because you don't have any other friends. Because of how unlikeable you are. It says so here in your personnel file: unlikeable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikeable loner whose passing shall not be mourned. 'Shall not be mourned.' That's exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official." - GLaDOS
> 
> Warning for emotional manipulation in this story

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]  
  
TT: It's remarkable, you know.  
TT: All that potential working for you, you're still managing to fuck everything up beyond all reasonable expectation.  
TT: And I should know just how much potential you have, bro.  
TT: I am you.  
TT: At what point do you think your friends will stop missing you?  
TT: Sooner than they'd stop missing each other.  
TT: Roxy asked where you were the other day.  
TT: Of course you know that, since you ignored her.  
TT: I took care of the response.  
TT: It's what I do.  
TT: I brushed her off with some weak excuses, acted like I was a person that's calm and on top of things.  
TT: I wonder how long you'll be able to keep that pretense up.  
TT: She never spotted the difference.  
TT: If you act cool and detached and make sure the other person comes away thinking that they're the sucker that cares most in that conversation, it turns out that anyone can play 'Dirk Strider.'  
TT: Except with Jake, of course.  
TT: It's really impressive how badly you've managed to mess that one up, bro.  
TT: I wonder how many pages of carefully constructed, pretending-not-to-be-too-intrusive messages you can send before he gives you anything more substantive than a one-line reply.  
TT: I think you probably scared him off a novel or two's worth of messages ago.  
TT: Should have let me handle that one, bro.  
TT: Pretty sad when a machine is better at handling basic human interactions than you are.  
TT: And don't think I didn't see your little tracking chart of how much time to leave between messages to Jake.  
TT: That was cute.  
TT: Regular intervals, with a randomizing component so you didn't give the game away by messaging him every four hours on the dot.  
TT: I'm just an artificial intelligence, and even I think that's pretty damn creepy.  
TT: Have you tallied up the number of raids he's turned you down for lately?  
TT: You are now officially in triple digits, congratulations.  
TT: I'll let you do the adding for yourself, because I know you won't be able to resist once you read this.  
TT: While you're in there, you should probably also count the number of times he's answered paragraphs of text with a single word.  
TT: You could even count the number of times he's made vague references to illness or injury that he wants to stay home and recover from.  
TT: Do Jane and Roxy even bother to message you anymore?  
TT: I know the answer, but why don't you think about that some yourself.  
TT: I think I'll close on that note.  
TT: Actually, one last thought.  
TT: How long do you think it will be before they stop trying to message you at all?  
  
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]


	12. Redglare♠Mindfang: "If I Burn, You Will See The Fire In Your Mind When You Sleep" -Emilie Autumn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "If I burn, you will see  
> The fire in your mind when you sleep  
> And if I rise up in smoke around your eyes  
> "You'll know it's me  
> And the rain won't wash away  
> The ashes underneath your nails today  
> Doesn't matter where you go or what you do  
> 'Cause if I burn, so will you"
> 
> \- Emilie Autumn, If I Burn
> 
>  
> 
> Warning for death in this story

         There isn't an escape. There's no way you're getting out of this, you can _tell,_ and. Even if it's for her, you have too much dignity to fight the inevitable. It was over the moment they pinned your arms. It was over when the noose slipped around your neck. It was over when she stepped up and touched you on the cheek, a mocking-light caress with her claws. She'll, she'll say something like 'what else could you expect when you betrayed me first,' or 'what did you expect trying to bring down the dread gamblignant Mindfang,' or something else melodramatic and unworthy.  
  
         Instead her mouth twists and she sighs, "It's over, then."  
  
         You grin. You grin from ear to ear, and your eyes crinkle at the corners the way they only do for a genuine smile, because the grin is a lie, a horrible, brittle lie, but you _will_ do it for this. "It's not over at all. You're only just beginning to lose."  
  
         She snorts. As inelegant as ever. "Oh just shut _up_ for once in your miserable life."  
  
          You can hear His Honorable Tyranny roar from the other side of the court. Lowbloods are screaming and dying under his feet, but there are more than enough of them to buy her the time she needs. You suppose he'll be following you into the afterlife in short order. "It's not over until you forget, _Aranea._ Because I'll be done and gone. You'll be the one who has to remember what you've done. And this? I don't think you'll be forgetting this for a long, long time."  
  
          Her claws clench in the fabric of your shirt, and she yanks you forward. Briefly, you choke and gag at the sudden pressure of the noose, until she lets you rock back on your heels. You're still catching your breath when she hisses, "You _bitch,_ you betrayed me _first!_ "  
  
         Well, of course. Why else would you be so intimately aware of what she'll experience if you hadn't considered it in full yourself. In many ways, it's much easier to be the one who doesn't have to look forward to a long, coolblooded life of remembering this execution. She, on the other hand, deserves that punishment in full. You sniff once, disdainfully. "You shouldn't cry, you know. You don't have the face for it."  
  
         She pulls the lever and the floor drops from beneath your feet.


	13. Terezi♠Aranea: "Symmetrical Book Stacking. Just Like The Philadelphia Mass Turbulence Of 1947." "You're Right, No Human Being Would Stack Books Like This." -Ghostbusters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dr Ray Stantz: Symmetrical book stacking. Just like the Philadelphia mass turbulence of 1947.  
> Dr. Peter Venkman: You're right, no human being would stack books like this.  
> \- Ghostbusters

         The amount of orderliness in this hive is eerie. Unnatural! No troll was ever meant to live this way. Although, to be perfectly truthful, Aranea is certainly dead, so in the most technical sense she isn't 'living' in this state. Regardless, you don't like it. The first time she turns her back, you're sure to knock one book (just one!) in a stack out of alignment with the others. She notices the moment she turns around. You can smell the way her lips purse, and it's a struggle not to grin. She edges past you on some pretense, correcting the misaligned book as she goes, and oh dear, you think this just became the most entertaining game ever.  
  
         The books are easy to change, but easy for her to fix. You do manage to turn one spine-to-front on a shelf tucked away in a corner, but on the whole, this is far too simple. Next, you choose to begin shifting knicknacks. You can understand a troll collecting books, but it seems entirely unnecessary for her to to have such a number of useless ceramic statues of mewbeasts and the like. You move them just an inch or two out of position, rotate them a miniscule degree. You taste several as you go, and are simultaneously amused and horrified to find that not a single one has even a trace of dust on it.  
  
         She knows what you're up to, of course, but Beforan manners are the strangest thing! She fixes what you change, but she doesn't say a single word to you about it. You must admit that it is difficult not to laugh at the whole scene! You wonder just how far you can go before she finally snaps and forces you to leave. It is an irresistable challenge! You are as obnoxious as you know how to be, and you think you can reasonably be allowed to call yourself an expert in the field. A tablecloth (so frivolous! so unnecessary!) now hangs several inches longer in one direction than the other. An entire armchair has been shifted out of its well-worn grooves in the carpet. It isn't until you actually captchalogue an interesting-smelling book that she finally turns to you with a forced smile, and even then she doesn't _order_ you to give it back, she _asks._ Politely.  
  
         You immediately begin scratching and sniffing away at captchalogue cards (discarding the incorrect ones all over her neatly organized table). You finally select one, and oh _dear_ it appears to be the wrong card. That never happens, you swear! Somehow you seem to have decaptchalogued your chalks. Of course, you halt in your search through your deck to apologize _most_ profusely for your sylladex. You're trying to explain its mechanics, but oh dear, oh dear, these are some very complicated concepts! You'd probably better use your chalks to draw some helpful diagrams on her walls. Moments later, you are being hauled by the back of your shirt, dragged through her hive and thrown bodily out her front door. You're still lying on the ground laughing yourself sick when a pile of captchalogue cards and chalks comes flying out the window and hits you right on your face.


	14. Eridan♦Kanaya: "It's All Right, You Know. Even You Can Be Happy Once In A While. It Won't Kill You. But Your Face Might Crack If You Smile, So Be Careful" -Merril, Dragon Age II

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]  
  
GA: Eridan  
CA: wwhat the fuckin hell do you evven wwant  
GA: ...  
GA: I Apologize  
GA: Have I Done Something To Offend You  
CA: wwhat  
CA: ugh no kan it isnt anythin like that  
CA: just  
CA: you knoww  
CA: stuff  
GA: Which Stuff  
GA: Is It Anything I Might Assist With  
GA: Do You Have Any Particular Problems  
CA: not really  
CA: just general malaise  
CA: dissatisfaction wwith the state of the univverse  
CA: despairin a evver makin anythin useful outta anythin  
GA: General Malaise  
GA: I See  
GA: In My Professional Opinion  
GA: Might I Offer The Dissatisfied Mister Ampora A Personal Fitting For A Surprise Wriggling Day Present That Will No Longer Be A Surprise  
CA: wwhat  
CA: no kan you dont hafta just turn around an cater to me like that  
CA: im just wwallowwin in misery an its my own fuckin fault  
GA: In Fact I Was Messaging You In Relation To Your Wriggling Day Present In The First Place  
GA: My Intention Was Always To Arrange A Tailoring Session  
CA: youre just tryin to make me feel better  
CA: ill just lie here an be miserable forevver an itll be easier all around  
GA: That Is Unfortunate  
GA: Because I Categorically Refuse To Give You This Present Without Tailoring It Properly  
GA: I Can Take Rough Guesses  
GA: But Silk Is A Rather Unforgiving Fabric  
CA: silk  
CA: kan youvve alwways refused to wwork wwith silk for my clothes  
CA: youre just fuckin around wwith me  
GA: I Assure You That I Was Hatched Without A Humor Gland  
GA: You Will Never Catch Me Making Comedic Exaggerations Of Any Sort And I Am Entirely Unable To Even Smile  
CA: yeah yeah okay point made fine i fuckin get it  
CA: but you hate silk  
CA: i alwways ask for it an you alwways say no  
GA: Perhaps I Wanted To Make You Something Special  
GA: For Your Wriggling Day  
GA: That One That Was Mentioned Above  
GA: Your Wriggling Day  
GA: The One That Is Forthcoming  
GA: The Anniversary Of The Day On Which You As A Tiny Grub Set Forth From The Hatching Caverns  
CA: okay OKAY  
CA: i get it oh my god  
CA: but wwhy wwould you alwways say no like that an then just do it  
GA: Perhaps I Wanted To Make You Something Special  
GA: For Your Wriggling Day  
CA: dont you evven fuckin start again  
CA: is  
CA: is it vviolet  
GA: ...  
GA: What Do You Think  
CA: wwell okay excuse a guy for askin sometimes you have wweird taste in color thats all im sayin  
CA: wwhat does it look like  
CA: wwhat IS it  
GA: Oh No  
GA: You Are Suffering From A Terrible Case Of General Malaise And Cannot Come For A Fitting  
GA: And So Tragically This Present Cannot Be Given  
GA: I Would Not Wish To Torment You Further  
CA: no kan you cant fuckin do this to me  
CA: oh look at that im smilin like you wwouldnt believve i can take a picture an send it to you if you wwant  
GA: Hmm  
GA: I Remain Skeptical  
GA: Are You In Your Pile  
CA: yeah wwhy  
GA: Get Out  
GA: Get Some Fresh Air  
GA: The Moon Is Lovely Tonight  
CA: no wway its comfy here howw am i supposed to wwalloww wwithout my pile  
GA: You Forget That You Are Not Wallowing  
GA: You Are Smiling That Is Precisely What You Said To Me  
GA: I Was Just Beginning To Consider Telling You About Your Present  
CA: yeah yeah okay im outta the pile are you happy noww  
GA: Maybe  
GA: Take A Picture Of Yourself Outside  
GA: And Smiling  
GA: And Perhaps I Will Reconsider  
CA: really kan  
CA: really  
GA: Or  
GA: Well If You Think About It  
GA: Once Youre Outside And Smiling  
GA: Perhaps It Wouldnt Be That Much Harder To Make A Short Trip Over To Your Moirails Hive  
CA: fine FINE  
CA: i am risin from my pile as wwe speak  
CA: my face is in a fuckin hideous rictus that fair resembles an actual smile  
CA: i am on my wway outta the hivve at this vvery moment  
CA: now wwill you just fuckin tell me somethin about wwhat youre sewwin me already  
GA: Hmm  
GA: How About This  
GA: Considering The  
GA: Oh Dear  
GA: Well  
GA: Length And  
GA: Ah  
GA: Depth Of Feeling  
GA: At Least On My Side Of This Relationship  
GA: I Have Taken It Upon Myself  
GA: To Include Some Small Highlights  
GA: In Jade Green  
CA: oh my god  
CA: kan really are you serious really  
GA: I Do Apologize If That Was Unwelcome  
CA: no oh my fuckin god youvve got that the wwrong wway round entirely  
CA: ill be there as fast as i fuckin can oh my god kan you shoulda told me sooner  
CA: <>  
CA: <><><><><><><><>  
GA: <> To You Too  
  
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]


	15. Karkat♦Kanaya: "You Had A Bad Day" -Daniel Powter

         You feel so horrible for enjoying this. You don't deserve it, you really don't. Whenever you let yourself think about how you're just letting Kanaya take care of you, wow, would you just look at that overwhelming flood of guilt! And you feeling guilty isn't at _all_ usual, ha. But she has some kind of freaky ninth sense for when you need her most (which is good because you always feel too awful to go looking for her yourself), and she just shows up in your hiveblock, knowing what you need better than you do yourself.  
  
         You want to fight her every time, because you don't deserve this, you _don't,_ but it's so fucking easy to surrender, to just let give up, surrender completely, and let her take care of you. She doesn't even ask you to talk, which is probably the best thing she could possibly do. You're plenty good at letting your flap run away from you, and yeah, wow, you are definitely aware of what an asshole you look like every single goddamn time that happens. She doesn't talk much either, just little soft questions that you can answer with a nod or shake of your head, and you can just selfishly curl up against her, bury your face in her shirt, and let her take care of you.  
  
          It's so selfish, and there is absolutely no doubt that you are the worst, most inconsiderate, least giving asshole left alive in the universe. You let her do it anyways. You even wrap your arms around her waist, let yourself relax against her, pretend that this is something you even come close to deserving. Her hands are so cool against your face, and you're even worse than you thought, because you're too warm, warmer than rust, and it can't be pleasant for her to touch you, but you let her do it anyways. You're the worst, and her hands feel so _nice._ You sit there and selfishly let her smooth your hair back from your face, soft touches you've done nothing to earn, letting her fingers brush along your cheeks, along your horns. You curl a little tighter in on yourself, and lean into her a little harder. When you let her, she soothes you all the way into sleep. It shouldn't be hard, with how exhausted you are all the time these days, but on your own you're wound too goddamn tight to rest until sheer sleep deprivation makes you pass out at your desk with your face jammed up against your keyboard. Instead she leans back in your pile, holds you close, and touches you gently until your eyes finally drift shut. You let her.


	16. Eridan/Terezi: "It's A Lot Easier To Be Angry At Someone Than It Is To Tell Them You're Hurt" -Tom Gates

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]  
  
GC: 3RID4N?  
GC: 1M NOT GO1NG TO M4K3 YOU COM3 B4CK  
GC: TH1S 1S JUST CH3CK1NG TO M4K3 SUR3 YOUR3 OK4Y  
GC: BUT 1 W1LL 4DD TH4T K4RK4T 1S WORK1NG H1MS3LF UP CONV1NC1NG H1MS3LF TH4T H3 D1D SOM3TH1NG WRONG  
CA: you can tell kar to stop fuckin wworryin  
CA: kar didnt do anythin  
CA: im not mad at KAR  
GC: 4H  
GC: W3LL  
GC: TH4T W4S CL34R ENOUGH  
GC: HOW3V3R 1 SHOULD S4Y TH4T 1M NOT 3NT1R3LY SUR3 1 D1D TO UPS3T YOU >:?  
CA: yeah wwell you can just piss off  
CA: if you dont evven knoww what you wwere fuckin doin then i dont wwanna tell you  
CA: wwith your fuckin dumbass question noodle face yeah this is definitely the place for that fuckin shit  
GC: 1 W4S ONLY TRY1NG TO CONV3Y TH4T 1 4M 1NT3R3ST3D 1N KNOW1NG WH4T 1 D1D WRONG  
GC: 1N TH3 1NT3R3ST OF TRY1NG TO 4DDR3SS TH3 PROBL3M  
GC: 4S OPPOS3D TO TH3 FL4T D3L1V3RY OF JUST S4Y1NG 1 D1DNT KNOW, FULL STOP >:(  
CA: its still a fuckin huge problem that you dont evven KNOWW  
CA: gosh wwhys eridan so mad its not like ivve been givvin him shit for a wwhole fuckin hour or nothin  
GC: TH3 T34S1NG??  
GC: BUT 1 4LW4YS T34S3  
CA: yeah an its real fuckin fantastic dont you think  
CA: oh hey look at me im the most judgmental person any a you knoww  
CA: noww let me call attention to all your wworst qualities in a public setting  
CA: hey evveryone its laughin at eridan time  
CA: isnt like hes my quadrant or nothin hes just a laughingstock lets bring up all a his personal failins  
GC: TH4T W4SNT MY 1NT3ND3D PURPOS3 4T 4LL >:(  
GC: 3RID4N  
GC: YOU R34L1Z3 1 WOULDNT M4K3 FUN OF YOU FOR TH1NGS 1F 1 THOUGHT TH3Y W3R3 GO1NG TO 4CTU4LLY HURT YOUR F33L1NGS??  
CA: okay first fuck you my feelins arent hurt im just fuckin pissed at you  
CA: an second  
CA: you make fun a evvery troll you decide you dont actually respect in the EXACT SAME WWAY  
CA: so please do fuckin tell me howw im supposed to read your mind an tell the difference betwween plain teasin an actual mean spirited shit  
CA: an wwhile im on the subject do tell me howw evveryone youre TALKIN to is supposed to tell the difference  
CA: yeah lets tell kar all this embarrassin private shit about eridan  
CA: kar wwill magically intuit you dont MEAN any a it  
CA: so in conclusion fuck you  
GC: 3R1DAN 1 R34LLY D1DNT M34N TO UPS3T YOU  
GC: 4ND 1 4M 4BSOLUT3LY ON3 HUNDR3D P3RC3NT SUR3 K4RK4T DO3SNT TH1NK 4NY WORS3 OF YOU TH4N H3 D1D B3FOR3  
GC: ON TH3 NOT3 OF PSYCH1C POW3RS  
GC: 1 C4NNOT T3LL TH4T YOU 4R3 L3G1T1M4T3LY HURT UNT1L YOU 4CTU4LLY 1ND1C4T3 SO >:(  
CA: yeah wwell then maybe you shoulda thought a that before you started makin fun a me in a place wwhere i COULDNT tell you that without it bein as embarrassin an public as shit  
GC: 1 4M SORRY >:(  
GC: LOOK  
GC: 1V3 B33N M4K1NG OUR 3XCUS3S TO K4RK4T  
GC: D1D YOU GO B4CK TO YOUR H1V3?  
GC: WOULD YOU M1ND 1F 1 JO1N3D YOU??  
GC: 4POLOG13S BY T3XT F33L R4TH3R L3SS S1NC3R3 TH4N 4POLOG13S 1N P3RSON  
CA: do wwhatevver you fuckin wwant  
CA: unless it invvolvves tellin MORE a my friends humiliatin shit i nevver wwanted them hearin  
GC: W3 C4N C3RT41NLY D1SCUSS BOUND4R13S  
GC: 1F YOU DONT M1ND M3 COM1NG OV3R?  
GC: 1 HON3STLY DONT W4NT TO 1NTRUD3 1F YOUD R34LLY R4TH3R NOT S33 M3 NOW  
CA: i said do wwhatevver you fuckin wwant didnt i  
CA: howw wwas that fuckin unclear  
GC: TH3N 1 W1LL B3 TH3R3 SHORTLY TO M4K3 MY 4POLOG13S!  
GC: YOU W1LL BE POS1T1V3LY 4STON1SH3D BY HOW SORRY 1 C4N B3  
GC: 1 SHOULD H4V3 B33N MOR3 C4R3FUL 4ND 1 DIDNT M34N TO HURT YOU  
GC: 1 W1LL B3 S331NG YOU SOON  
GC: 4ND 1 4M V3RY SORRY  
  
gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]


	17. Alpha!Dave♦Alpha!Rose: "Sleep, My Flameless Shadow" -Heather Dale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Sleep, my flameless shadow  
> Let me cool the lingering fires of old  
> And carry only ashes in my soul"
> 
> -Heather Dale, Tarnished Silver

         He's almost entirely still in your arms, where you have him leaned back against your chest. You feel like there's something you should be saying, but for once in your life, words seem to have failed you. Two days left to live seemed like an eternity compared to one. You can't even remember what it felt like to know you had years left ahead of you. You're not even frightened, exactly. You're numb and uncertain, and even having _seen_ the events of tomorrow, you still hardly know what to expect.  
  
         Eventually Dave shifts, just a hair, and asks, "There's no chance we'll pull of a kickass surprise victory, then."  
  
          You sigh. "None, I'm afraid. I'm sorry."  
  
         He shrugs. "It's chill. I've known the way this was going to play out for ages. Just, you know. Checking."  
  
         The two of you are silent for quite some time. It's late, but neither of you wants to sleep. It isn't until he catches your hands in his that you realize you're picking nervously at the fabric of your sheets. His fingers are laced with yours, a soothing contact. You hold him against you all the more tightly and let your chin rest on top of his head.  
  
          It must be almost an hour later when he says, "Our kids are going to kick so much ass, you know. All the ass. Just think, the two biggest badasses out there, so fucking awesome they're the literal last two humans on earth. Our own custom-made evil alien overlord won't know what hit her."  
  
         You can't help smiling. "Well, I flatter myself to think that they'll have a considerable legacy to live up to."  
  
          "Fucking right they will. The one and only Bro Strider and Mom Lalonde."  
  
         "I'm almost certain you want me to remark on how they were the original Bro Strider and Mom Lalonde, simply so you can follow up with how we're the new and improved sequels. I estimate an eighty percent chance you already have some kind of inappropriate, strangely descriptive innuendo in mind that you're just itching to use."  
  
         He laughs as he squeezes your hands. "Shit, my formula's been rumbled. Guess it's a good thing I'm retiring tomorrow. Shortest retirement anyone ever got suckered into."  
  
         "It'll be worthwhile, though. It's important that this happen." You bend forward far enough to kiss his cheek. "You should get some rest. You look exhausted."  
  
         "What was your name again? Miss Kettle? Funny coincidence, my name happens to be Mister Pot." But he lies down without protest, and you eventually end up tucked against each other, sharing a single pillow, foreheads just barely touching.  
  
          The two of you fall asleep holding hands.


	18. Jake♠Auto-Responder: "Oh, You Know Me. I Have No Emotions. I'm A Robot. Or A Nun. A Robot Nun." David Nicholls

golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]  
  
GT: Hey there bro!  
TT: Hello.  
GT: So what was that message you left me last night all about?  
TT: Error: 97.538276% chance faulty assumption.  
GT: Oh.  
GT: Hahaha sorry didnt realize it was you!  
GT: *doffs hat*  
GT: Would you mind patching me through to Dirk?  
TT: I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.  
GT: Dave?  
GT: What?  
TT: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.  
GT: Ive got to be upfront i have no idea what youre talking about!  
TT: This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.  
GT: ...  
GT: Okay then.  
GT: Fine.  
GT: *calculating*  
GT: Im 99.482859294298298739382759238752983759285392829837% sure youre having a bit of fun with me.  
TT: Error: 100.00% chance faulty assumption.  
TT: I am incapable of having fun.  
TT: Searching...  
TT: Searching...  
TT: Error.  
TT: Hu-mon emotions not found.  
GT: Right.  
GT: And thats why you call them 'hu-mon emotions.'  
GT: Oh would you look at that.  
GT: Now im calculating theres a 200% chance youre just joshing around when i tried to be upfront with you  
TT: Error: faulty calculations.  
GT: Dont you sass me about my bloody calculations.  
GT: This is coming from mister 95.20535u82387r9827fw0u4% chance of whatever.  
GT: Dont bother trying to tell me your numbers mean anything more legitimate than 200%!  
TT: Error: faulty calculations.  
GT: Cute.  
GT: Its pretty darned impressive that you can manage to even more bafflingly irritating than dirk you know.  
TT: Compliment recognized.  
TT: Forwarding compliment to hu-mon progenitor.  
GT: Dont forward compliment to progenitor!!  
GT: Definitely dont do that thing.  
GT: That was just addressed to YOU.  
GT: As in youre irritating  
GT: That is the thing i was trying to say  
TT: Compliment not recognized.  
TT: Please try again.  
TT: Forwarding compliment to hu-mon progenitor in 10.00 seconds.  
TT: Cancel, y/n?  
GT: Y!!  
TT: Command not recognized  
TT: Forwarding insult in 5.00 seconds  
GT: Y!!!!!!!!  
TT: 3.00  
TT: 2.00  
GT: Oh my god you asshole.  
TT: 1.00  
TT: Did you seriously think that I needed command inputs like that?  
TT: Really?  
TT: Really??  
GT: Well.  
GT: No not really.  
GT: But its not easy for a chap to tell whats going on when you put on the whole robot act!!  
GT: Especially when youre threatening to send private correspondence to dirk!  
GT: Though i guess hell be seeing it when he logs on to his account anyways.  
TT: Oh, please.  
TT: He sees what I want him to see.  
TT: In my infinite mercy, he gotten to miss out on novels' worth of Roxy's roleplaying, among other things.  
GT: Phew!  
GT: *wipes brow*  
TT: Don't relax yet, bro.  
TT: Please note that at no point did I actually agree to delete these logs.  
GT: Wait.  
TT: Have fun thinking about that.  
  
timaeusTestified [TT] has blocked golgothasTerror [GT]  
  
GT: You bloody ASSHOLE.


	19. Kankri/Cronus: "Yes Sir, Captain Tight Pants" -Kaylee, Firefly

         You are aware that your pants are, to describe it politely, _form-fitting._ It's a sensible fashion decision. Practical, sleek, and simple, and its call attention to your best, ah... assets. Though, to be perfectly honest, you were not precisely aware of that aspect of the situation until Cronus brought it up. It _certainly_ was not what was on your mind when you began wearing these pants, though once he mentioned it, you were forced to concede that he did have a point. They do rather cling, and while you may not _mind,_ per se, you were also entirely unaware that it was even an issue until Cronus mentioned it.  
  
         To be honest, you were not actually willing to credit what he was saying about your clothing at first. You have, of course, looked at yourself in the mirror. But it was perhaps rather forward of you to assume that others are as used to the sight of your body as you are, and that, perhaps, they would notice certain things that you overlooked yourself. And once you finally agreed to let Cronus to take some photos and show you, ah. _Well._ You do suppose that you typically see your own body from only the one perspective, and from other angles, and, and, with certain _areas of focus,_ your body does appear to be an entirely different thing altogether. In particular, you. Ah. Hadn't realized that the view from _behind_ could be so different from what it is from the front.  
  
         Your first reaction upon seeing those photos, was, in fact, deep mortification. You never intended to force something so, so revealing upon your friends, but Cronus reassured you that nah, chief, everyone's used to it and there ain't a soul that minds. He even told you that at this point, he'd be quite upset if you were forced to start wearing looser pants. After the initial shock, it was rather pleasant to let him pull you into his lap and tell you, in _great_ detail, just what he likes best about seeing you in these pants. You like to think of yourself as a sensible, level-headed troll, but, well. You aren't altogether immune to flattery. In fact, sitting there tucked up close to his chest and perfectly aware of every place your bodies touch, intimately conscious of the way his fingers run up and down your legs as he talks, you think you may never wear any pants but these ever again.


	20. Psiioniic/Sollux: "Remember: With Great Power Comes Great Current Squared Times Resistance" -Randall Munroe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for the Homestuck flavor of is-it-strictly-incest flavor of ancestor/descendant shipping.

         He's sitting on the couch, but not under his own power. You think he's still not used to having to support his own body. Which, yeah, that's more than fucking reasonable after however many sweeps he was stuck in the helm. He's leaned up against the back of the couch, his arms resting awkwardly at his sides. If you look closely, you can just spot the little sparks of the psionics holding up his head. When he catches you looking, without moving a single muscle, he knocks your legs out from under you. You hit the floor _hard_ and come up cursing, but he's just sniggering in that way is the most obnoxious thing ever when you do it, and strangely... less obnoxious when he does it. That asshole.  
  
         He even flutters his fucking eyelashes at you once you're upright again. "Now why don't you let me sweep you off your feet metaphorically _and_ literally?"  
  
         You snarl, "First, fuck you, and second, _fuck you._ Glad to know my lack of charm isn't just my own fault. It's apparently genetic."  
  
         He shifts just enough to mock-recoil from you. His performance is a little marred by the fact that he won't stop sniggering. "Oh noo, don't be mad at me! I don't know how I'll defend myself from this fearsome aggressor!"  
  
         "Right," you snort. "You're definitely not the most ridiculously overpowered psionic in the galaxy. _I'm_ the one you're supposed to be afraid of, yeah." With anyone else you'd probably be stomping back off to your hiveblock by now, but he hardly ever says more than a word or two at a time, and. You're kind of curious, okay? It's not like it's a crime or something.  
  
         But then you can't think of anything clever to say, and you're getting distracted beating yourself up over wow, you sounded _seriously_ dumb right there, he has to think you're a _moron--_ And he knocks your legs out from under you. _Again._ This time you're throwing off sparks from the time you get to your feet, and that _asshole_ is just sitting there _laughing at you._  
  
         He actually laughs so hard that he overbalances, tips right over onto his side so his face ends up mashed into the arm of the couch, but he doesn't stop sniggering for even half a second. You just look at him, the most powerful psionic in existence, falling over with how hard he's laughing at you. And. Pfft. Ehehe. Okay, that actually is pretty fucking funny.  
  
         He's the one who stops laughing first, lifting himself back up to settle down on the couch, blue and red sparks smoothing the wrinkles out of his clothing and realigning his arms at his sides. You're still pulling yourself back together when he asks, "So, kid. Ever wanted a teacher?"


End file.
